Day 23

Me and Papa at his and
mom's wedding 7/82

 So, today my dad (known as Papa by friends and family) would have been 69.  It just doesn't seem possible for my dad to be almost 70.  I wonder what it would be like if he were still alive.  I mean, not that 70 is old, because it's not (my grandparents are 80/85 and they can run laps around me) but it's older and I just can't imagine Papa being older.  He was 58 when he passed and that's how I still think of him.  When he was sick we got a glimpse into what he might look life as he aged but I still can't imagine 70.

Papa in April 2002, he passed that October.

Anyway, all that to say it might be a rough day.  Emotionally, which leads to terrible eating.  Luckily, I already celebrated his birthday Sunday with the carrot cake...and though I'm glad I celebrated, I'm not sure the carrot cake was worth the miserable 24 hours that followed.  Glad to be feeling like my Whole30 self today.

I've been discouraged a little the past few days because I just feel like I have so far to go before I'll be happy with my body.  I'm reminded that I'm not doing this to look a certain way-though that is certainly a benefit of changing my eating.  I'm doing this  because my relationship with food is out of hand.  Sunday is a prime example.  I said I'd allow myself one small piece of cake...and I ate two...and I would have eaten more but I couldn't post that I ate three pieces of cake without dying of embarrassment.  Moderation isn't my thing.  But I need to learn to make it my thing.  Work in progress.

Breakfast: I forgot to pull my frittata from the freezer until this morning so I clearly wasn't having that, like my menu said I was.  So, leftover paleo pancakes with fresh berries, half a pear, two strips of bacon, broccoli and at the last minute I scrambled one egg...decided I probably didn't have enough protein otherwise.  My boss (the husband) kept eyeing my plate...so, it must have looked good--sometimes I can't tell if it just looks good through my W30 lenses or if "normal" people think my food is appetizing.

Workout: It was a steamy 62 out by the time I started my workout at 10am.  I opened all the windows and got down to business...man, was I sweaty-there was absolutely no breeze...zero.  Lame.  It was the Cardio power and resistance video today.  I'm definitely noticing that I'm stronger and some of the moves are getting a lot easier...the power jumps are looking a little closer to the ones Shaun T shows me.  That's making me feel better.

PWM: I was in a rush to get things done this morning because I had a friend coming over for lunch and needed to get the girls dinner in the crockpot before that.  Threw some carrots, cucumbers and a hardboiled egg on a plate and snacked on it as I showered and got dressed.  it definitely wasn't enough...

Snacking: Yep...not nearly enough.  Had a few nuts as I was preparing lunch because I was feeling that low-bloodsugar feeling which I haven't had since I started W30.

Lunch: Emily came for lunch, it was nice cooking for another person--honestly, cooking for one is sometimes depressing.  Also, other than the girls, I always eat my meals alone-also pretty depressing.  I made up burgers with greens, onion, tomato and bacon.  Sweet potato thins...I finally made them perfect...thin sliced in a dry pan over low heat for a really long time, turning every few minutes.  I never usually have the time to let them slow cook-I usually crank up the heat and end up with black spotted chips.  Also made balsamic bacon avocado and kale chips.  The kale chips were amazing.  I had larger pieces of kale than last time and followed this recipe (using balsamic instead of whatever vinegar she used) and they turned out really well.  I ate a ton.

Dinner: Man, I was hungry.  Think I'm just in a hungry mood today.  I made the girls stroganoff with steak.  I took some steak, sliced it into strips and tossed it with fajita seasoning (the usual-chili powder, garlic/onion powder, cumin, oregano) and then threw it in a pan with mixed peppers and onions.  Delicious steak fajitas with half an avocado.  Really delicious.  I mean, I loved this meal.  Apparently I'm loving red meat lately.  Whatever, it's all grass fed, lean cuts.  The steak meat today was kosher...gotta love Trader Joes!

Thoughts:
So, I know I may never get back to the Linsey I used to be.  I know that all I can do is to do the best I can.  That if I'm honoring God in my relationship with food (not binging, abusing, or withholding) and working out in a healthy way, my body will look however it was designed to.  I have to stop trying to fit 32 year old Linsey into 28 year old Linsey's body.  I had a long conversation with my mom about it...she reminded me that I'm a woman and therefor, clothes from the Junior's department shouldn't fit me.  And that's ok.  That even if a dress fit me two years ago, it might not ever fit me again-bodies change over time and there is only so much you can do.  She reminded me that I'm healthy.  That no doctor has ever told me I need to worry about my weight.  They all say I'm incredibly healthy.  And the truth is...I am.  I just don't see it.  I see the love handles that won't seem to go away no matter how much Shaun T works them.  But then I remember that as a woman, I'm naturally given a little extra around the middle...ya know, to keep the baby warm...problem is...there's no baby...but, if there ever is, I have the insulation ready!

I guess I just need to relax a little.  Did I just hear a collective "duh!" from all of you?  So yes, relax, know that I'm making wise choices, eliminating temptation and finding a new "normal" and results will take time.

I just don't think I'll ever be able to go back to my old lifestyle.  I saw and felt what just a little, ok a lot of carrot cake did to me and I don't ever wanna feel that way again.  I've learned a better way of being.  And I wouldn't have peace if I just started eating like I used to...knowing that my body is struggling to process it, that there will be repercussions the next day and really, I'm just punishing myself.  Why go back to how I used to be and what I used to do when I'm really happy with how I've been eating and feeling.

I'm just not sure this is a permanent do-able lifestyle choice.  I know people make Paleo a lifestyle and don't ever feel deprived.  But, are those people pastry chefs?  Well...yeah, at least one of them is actually...my bestie Carley in Idaho...we were pastry chefs together and after I moved to Chicago she jumped on the Paleo bandwagon and she has had a lot of success.  I guess I just ask, "what about oreos and ice cream sandwiches?" I can't really imagine going the rest of my life and not eating at least one more oreo.  But since I haven't yet mastered moderation and self control I know it wouldn't be one oreo.  It would be one whole package of oreos...the struggle continues.  If I was eating the oreo just for the flavor that would be one thing, but I think the reason I want it most is because it's off limits.  I want what I can't have, simply for the reason of having it when I'm not supposed to.  Clearly, there is still a lot of work to be done.  Seeking God and looking to Him for guidance though this...if I was capable of navigating through this on my own I wouldn't be where I am...fighting tooth and nail to be freed from the hold food has on me.

What are your plans after the 30 days?  How are you going to reenter the world?